It can be very difficult to know how to help a friend, relative or partner who has been sexually assaulted or raped.
But you can be a good source of support for them, even though you might find it daunting.
These simple ideas can help.
Listen to them but try not to ask for details. They might not want to tell you everything that happened. Let them know that you are ready to listen whenever they want to talk.
Don’t ask why the rape or sexual assault happened or why they didn’t stop it happening. It can sound as if you blame them, which could feel like another attack on them.
Believe what they are saying, and tell them you believe them.
Allow them to cry whenever they need to. You might find it upsetting but it is important that they are able to show their emotions.
Respect their feelings about being touched by you and give them some space.
Many people who have been raped or sexually assaulted don’t want to be touched, especially in the days after the assault. Even a comforting hug might upset them. Ask them if it’s OK, or let them make the first move.
If you are in a sexual relationship, accept that they may find sex frightening at the moment. Respect their wishes and don’t put any pressure on them to have sex.
Try offering some practical support, such as asking if they would like you to come with them to any appointments. You are welcome to come with them.
We will want to speak to them on their own during their visit, so they have a chance to talk and ask us about everything they need to.
People who have been assaulted have to make lots of choices. Report the assault? Get checked out at a clinic? Ask for counselling?
These choices might seem easy, but they can be awkward, embarrassing, and very hard for them. But they need to make these decisions themselves.
Don’t persuade or put pressure on them. And don’t go behind their backs to do what you think is the right thing.
Don’t tell them to forget about what has happened. It will take time for them to work through their feelings and memories.
You can help by listening to them and being patient.
Don’t become the injured party. Your friend, relative or partner needs to focus all their energy on themselves, so they may not have enough strength to support or care for you at this time.
Supporting someone who has been raped or sexually assaulted can be stressful. So it’s important to look after yourself as well, and to ask for help if you need it.
You can contact the Havens on behalf of your friend, relative or partner. We will be happy to answer your questions. If the person who has been assaulted wants specific advice, we will want to speak directly to them.
If you are finding it difficult to cope, you may want to think about having counselling or psychological support. Your GP can refer you or you can ask one of the Havens’ team for advice. They will explain what help is available and who to contact.
Other organisations that offer useful advice and help are listed on our external support page.