Your friend, relative or partner is trying to make sense of what has happened. It can take time but with your support you can help to ease their trauma and come to terms with the assault.

The following simple guidelines give you some ideas about how you can help.

Listen, don’t question

Listen to them but try not to ask for details. They might not want to tell you everything that happened. Let them know that you are ready to listen whenever they want to talk.

And don’t ask why the rape or sexual assault happened or why they didn’t stop it happening. It can sound as if you blame them, which could feel like another attack on them.

Believe them

Believe what they are saying and tell them this.

Let them show how they’re feeling

Allow them to cry whenever they need to. You might find it upsetting but it is important that they are able to show their emotions.

Ask about touching

Respect their feelings about being touched by you and give them some space. Many people who have been raped or sexually assaulted don’t want to be touched, especially in the days after the assault. Even a comforting hug might upset them. Ask them if it’s OK, or let them make the first move.

If you are in a sexual relationship, accept that they may find sex frightening at the moment. Respect their wishes and don’t put any pressure on them to have sex.

Offer practical support

Try offering some practical support, such as asking them if they would like you to come with them to any appointments. You are welcome to come with them. But we will want to speak to them on their own during their visit, so they have a chance to talk and ask us about everything they need to.

Respect their decisions

People who have been assaulted have to make lots of choices. Report the assault? Get checked out at a clinic? Ask for counselling? These might seem easy to you but they can be awkward, embarrassing and very hard for them. But they need to make these decisions themselves. Don’t persuade or put pressure on them. And don’t go behind their backs to do what you think is the right thing.

Let them remember

Don’t tell them to forget about what has happened. It will take time for them to work through their feelings and memories. You can help by listening to them and being patient.

It’s not about you

Don’t become the injured party. Your friend, relative or partner needs to focus all their energy on themselves, so they may not have enough strength to support or care for you at this time.

Talk to the Havens

You can contact the Havens for information on behalf of your friend, relative or partner. We will be happy to answer your questions. If the person who has been assaulted wants specific advice, we will want to speak directly to them.